Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom. 33Sell your possessions, and give alms. Make purses for yourselves that do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. 34For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
I know that Advent is a time of waiting in the darkness. I’m getting used to this. I find myself waiting in uncomfortable places, where I have to sit with things like confusion, and pain and grief, all of which have been born out of fear, I suppose. I have to sit with them because self medicating isn’t a wise option.
The scripture says we’re not supposed to fear. But to be honest there are things that make me fearful. I get anxious when I don’t know what to expect or what’s expected of me. I get anxious when I don’t know how to do the thing I should do, and I think I can’t do it well enough. And if my treasure is my sense of worthiness, I’m super anxious that I might misplace it again. It’s difficult to locate your treasure when your heart is torn.
But the scripture says it is God’s pleasure to give us the kingdom and I believe it, I’m just not sure what that’s supposed to feel like. But I do find that there is something deeply reassuring about the word “unfailing” treasure. I feel like whatever it is, it has to do with being able to embrace sitting in the darkness, waiting in the discomfort, because at some point, you get to let go of the weight of the grief. Maybe it has to do with knowing that even if I lose track of it, my worthiness can never be destroyed.